A Story From Bible School

Showing up out of the blue almost a year after my most recent post to bring you

TALES FROM BAPTIST HIGH SCHOOL

which you probably knew I attended seeing as you're on my blog.

SO

As this was a school in the backwoods of Georgia, seniors were required to pass a Bible class before we were allowed to graduate, big deal, we all grew up in churches anyway, whatever, no one kicked up much of a fuss.

ENTER MRS WHITE THE BIBLE TEACHER.

Mrs White was approximately 65 years old, wore her spectacles on a chain around her neck, used the phrase "Bless your heart" unironically (for the uninitiated, that's Old Southern Woman Speech for "oh you fucking idiot"), and was about five-foot-two.

In short, Mrs White was what would happen if your dentist became your grandmother. If you forgot your homework, she'd sort of pause and stare at you over her spectacles in a way that said I'm not angry, I understand, but I'm nevertheless disappointed because you're wasting all your potential and I wish I could see you succeed, and also Jesus is shaking his head in disapproval because you've forgotten your Bible homework and disappointed Mrs White.

ENTER THE HIT TV SERIES THE WALKING DEAD.

For a cluster of shockingly friendly Christian teenagers, we all had a deep fascination with The Walking Dead. (The remainder of this story will include season 2 spoilers and an image of graphic gore, so hang on to your butts.)

On the morning this story takes place, major beloved character Dale had suffered a
bloody and painful death by zombie-disembowelment. Obviously, this was the talk of the classroom. Mrs White had not yet begun class, so the conversation had reached the following point:

the scene in question. rip in peace dale youre forever in our hearts.

"Yeah, it was brutal."

"Did you see it rip out his intestines?"

"Dude, I know."

"Blood all over the grass."

"What I would've given to see him turn into a walker first."

ENTER MRS WHITE THE BIBLE TEACHER ONCE AGAIN

"I mean, if you're gonna get disemboweled, you can at least have the courtesy to put yourself out of your own misery, not get Daryl to do it for you..."

At this point our tiny Southern Bible teacher gasped, dropped an entire folder full of papers that went scattering, and put a hand to her throat.

The room fell silent as we realized the conversation she must have overheard.

Then:

"Don't y'all SPOIL that, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET."

And that's the story of how our 65-year-old Bible teacher spent almost an entire class period talking about zombie movies instead of King Solomon.

Ever since I was seven I have maintained a healthy fear of wandering through an interdimensional portal.

Finals are over. Summer is upon us. Unfortunately that also means I have no more scholarship money – and with rent, a car, and a nasty addiction to McDonald’s coffee, this means I need a job.

Old people don’t get it. Back in their day, your town had like 20 people. And if you were on good terms with the carpenter, you had a job. Thus, they believe that you can indeed just “go out ‘n’ get a job” within a day, just put on your fedora and grab a briefcase and you’d be employed by dinnertime.

Unfortunately, what with background checks and an economy that resembles Boromir in the last few minutes of Fellowship of the Ring, getting a job of any kind is a hassle.

Fifteen-year-old girls now have to compete for a job at the ice cream parlor with a 35-year-old grown man with a beard. Entry-level job openings disappear faster than a Snickers bar at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Also unfortunately, my current skill set is rather… lacking.

In any case, I dusted off the mock resume I made in Communications class and went looking. As I scrolled through endless pages of “Nurse Wanted, Experience in Exotic Dancing Preferred” and “ihop busboy wanted lol call me” I gave up and decided to make a list of all the careers I would be willing to accept.

1. Lion Tamer.

Because who wouldn’t want to be a lion tamer.

2. Book critic

It involves my two favorite things – books and criticizing people.

3. Mattress tester.

note: this is not me

SO MUCH FUN EVERYWHERE

4. Professional rainbow chaser

I would hunt down rainbows and then live off of the stolen leprechaun gold. I don't do it for the money. I do it for the thrill of the chase. And also the money. Shiny things.

At this point in my list I started to get a craving for McDonald's coffee and wandered off, but I thought I should share this with you. I hope you liked it.

One time we got a dog from a shelter and they told us she was a lab mix but it turned out she was a boxer/pit bull mix and so we gave her away to the Mexicans who fixed our roof.

This is it, guys.

The calm before the storm.

Standing at the line waiting for the starting gun to go off.

That moment when you've hit the putt-putt ball and it's hovering RIGHT at the edge of the hole and you're praying to God, Baby Jesus, Kali, Allah, Odin, Zeus, Apollo, and that Native American god that has clicks in his name that it'll go in so you can beat your brother for the first time ever at mini-golf.

That's right - It's The Week Before Finals Week.

That unholy time where all your professors assign next to nothing just to torture you further before the final exams. They enjoy watching all of their students, who have suddenly inherited a windfall of hallowed Free Time, wander around the halls having nothing to do but torment themselves imagining the hell about to befall them the following week.

Some of these poor students make the rookie mistake of premature studying. As every college student knows, the most effective way to study for exams is to wait until the night before, then furiously read every single one of the professor's online notes. (Also, if you're a professor who does this, we thank you from the bottom of our poor ramen-saturated overstressed hearts.) But when you decide to study simply out of an excess of spare time, you will fall into the following situation.

... You shut the book, yawning. It's 11:00 P.M., and you've finished all your studying for the World History test. You start to reach into your stock of 5-Hour Energies and Red Bulls, but then you remember: You don't need to stay up all night again! The test isn't for another week! You smile, turn off the lights, and go to sleep.

... It's the day before the exam. All the material is deeply ingrained within your mind. You know exactly what the War of 1812 was about: Canada, and trading, or something. It doesn't matter! You studied. And that's what matters, right? You shrug and go back to stalking Natalie Portman's Twitter feed.

... You're at the desk, staring at the exam. The Code of Hammurabi? Didn't that have something to do with samurai? Man, last night you got around to watching that ninja movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" or whatever it was called. You loved it. What? RIGHT, EXAM. Um. Well, we can skip that question. Next one: "What catalyzed World War I?" Catalyzed. Hehehehe. Cats. Cats are so crazy. When you were five, you went to the zoo and one of the tigers stood up and walked across the enclosure to the shady part and went back to sleep. That was so much fun. And remember that .gif you saw on Reddit that had the cat with mittens on its feet and they made him walk funny? WAIT STOP GIGGLING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING A TEST. What's going on?! You studied! You studied so hard you knew EVERYTHING, and then you still had time left over to watch movies and browse Reddit and stalk Natalie Portman!

But it's too late now. By studying early, you let yourself fall into a false sense of security. As the information slowly drained out of your mind, you busied your brain with other, less exam-related things, dulling the sparkle of your intellect. By the time the exam rolls around, your escapades have occupied your mind for so long that the effects of your hard work have been entirely negated.

Also, don't be the guy who can't stop laughing in the middle of the exam. Even if the mitten-kitten .gif is REALLY funny.

In the end, there is a simple solution: Study at the last minute.

And stalk Natalie Portman now, not later.

I had the biggest creepiest crush on Harrison Ford for literally my entire childhood.

Couldn't think of a decent idea for a blog post today either, so here I'm just going to describe Taylor Swift songs and tell you everything wrong with them.


FIRST: "We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together"

Alternate Title: "I Got Drunk And Left You This Skype Message"

Analysis: This song genuinely sounds like something a clingy middle schooler would write. Say the lyrics with a slur and it sounds like something a clingy sorority girl would say after a night out on the town.

Example: Then... then you come around an' say *switches to comically deep voice* BAAABY I MISS YOU N I SWEARR I'M GONNA CHANGE. Remember... like how that lasted for A DAY, I say *high pitched squeal* I HATE YOU, we break up, you call meeee *deep voice* I LOOOVE YOU. You go talk to YOUR friends who, who talk to MY friends talk to ME, like, we are never ever ever ever, EVER EVER forever never not ever getting back together. *starts to cry* I was out in heels all night an' my feeeeet hurt. You gave like the best feet rubs. *dogs barking in the background* SHUT UP I'M TRYINA TAAAALK *throws shoe* *cries harder* YOU. And your... stupid INDIE record that's SO MUCH COOLER THAN MINE ohshitmybatterysabouttodie HEY I MISS YOU WE'RE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGE*static and muffled noise before voicemail cuts out*

My logic is flawless.

SECOND: "Love Story"

Alternate Title: "I Don't Understand How Shakespeare Works"

Analysis: Romeo and Juliet is not a happy story. It is a TRAGEDY. It is not the greatest romance ever. It was a three-day affair between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that ended in six deaths, one of whom was Mercutio WHO WAS BASICALLY THE DEAN WINCHESTER OF ELIZABETHAN LONDON. Where Romeo was a whiny, pathetic, smushy brat who couldn't stand up for ANYTHING, Mercutio was a wingman, a gentleman, a troublemaker, a scholar, and a swordsman. Juliet was a spoiled, disrespectful, childish attention whore. T-Squizzle glosses over these flaws in her glurge "song," including the fact that the story ends with mutual suicides and involves a crooked priest who performs faux-"marriages" for money.

EXAMPLE: "You'll be the prince and I'll be the princessssssss (false, neither the Montagues nor the Capulets were royalty) IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES (clearly he did, with behavior that I'm pretty sure is illegal in most states). ROMEO SAVE ME THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEEEEEEEEL (no, they're just trying to make you marry someone closer to your OWN AGE WHO HASN'T THREATENED TO KILL YOUR UNCLE) THIS LOVE IS DIFFICULT BUT IT'S REEEEEEEE-EEEEAL (you knew him for less than an hour and hadn't even seen his face when you stuck your tongue down his throat missy) DON'T BE AFRAID WE'LL MAKE IT OUTTA THIS (by faking your own death, breaking your parents' hearts, and sealing yourself in a tomb on the off chance that your little love pumpkin [who, by the way, is currently banished from the city for being involved in your cousin's murder] can show up in time to dig you out because this is clearly the most logical solution) IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YEEEEEEEEEEEEES

Read the book, you guys. Romeo never made a big deal of "knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring" or anything. It was more "...Wanna do it?" "Yeah but we go to hell if we're not married first." "Ok let's go do that, I know a guy."

Jeez Juliet seriously

THIRD: "Teardrops on My Guitar"

Alternate Title: "I Keep Fur From Your Dead Cat And Take Pictures Of Your Elbows When You Aren't Looking"

Analysis: The first time I heard this song, I felt like I had to take a shower afterwards. Is this considered romantic? It sounded like an entry from a serial killer's diary. And then I go on LiveJournal and see all these little brats going "IT'S LIKE SHE WRITES SONGS ABOUT MY LYFE" and I lose all hope for humanity because obviously these girls aren't going to be able to handle all of this EMOTION and will soon snap and kill their entire families.

EXAMPLE: "Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe? (If this happens to you, see a doctor immediately.) So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light, I PUT HIS PICTURE DOWN AND MAYBE GET SOME SLEEP TONIGHT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SAYING I MEAN PEOPLE WHO DON'T SLEEP GO INSANE AND TRY TO CHEW THEIR OWN SKIN OFF FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AM SO DONE WITH EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS.

i can't even
what
i just
everyone go home
im done

As a toddler I had this stuffed ladybug one of its legs fell off, so I replaced it with a safety pin and pretended it was a pirate ladybug with a peg leg.

DRAGONS.

I bring them up in random conversation.

I have one next to my bed (a stuffed one [he's a pterodactyl {thanks Becki}]).

I forget I'm taking an exam and will draw a dragon in the corner and (THREE TIMES NOW) get accidental bonus points for it.

WHY am I such a fan of dragons?

Let me count the ways.

1-3: They are huge. And majestic. And you can RIDE on them.

4: FIRE.

5: Okay, Skyrim isn't on the list as a REASON why I love dragons, but it certainly contributes. Also, why don't more people pick Cicero as a companion? He dances.

6. Charizard, man. Just... CHARIZARD.

7. BABY DRAGONS ARE THE CUTEST DAMN THINGS EVER. Like, they have so many body parts that they're the most uncoordinated animals in the universe.

8. They were in Harry Potter.

9. One word: DRAGONHIDE.

10. Well, there really doesn't need to be a 10, does there? Dragons are cool, like bow ties and bananas and bunkbeds and fezzes.

Here is a cat.

I was a baby who cried because I was tired but didn't want to go to sleep.

...And my parents brainwashed me to fix that, but that's a story for another day. (Or you can ask Ryan about my "off" button.)

So I finished another book today, it's called "The Voice" and it's about as stereotypically teen-novel-ish as you can possibly get. And yet somehow I kept reading it even thought there wasn't even ONE MENTION of dragons and only MINIMAL amounts of magic. Cray.

Basic premise of the book is there's this girl, I can't remember her name so let's call her Chairy. So Chairy has this creepy uncle, and one day he kidnaps her and locks her in a cabin for a few months or something. During this time, Chairy starts hearing A VOICE. In her head.

WHOA.

It's a nice voice though, it talks to her and makes friends with her and eventually it actually helps her get rescued. But of course (this is a teen novel after all, and the protagonist must be as TORMENTED AS POSSIBLE) Chairy is traumatized and tries to kill herself like five times or something.

So her mom got scared and said "That's it, you're moving in with your aunt in Bel Air" except it wasn't Bel Air it was some shithole like California or Scandinavia or wherever it is blonde people come from. So Chairy moves in with her aunt and meets her new neighbors: twin brothers (HOT BROTHERS OF COURSE) who look nothing alike for some reason. One of them is really nice and friendly, and the other one's like the biggest emo bitch in the universe and never talks to anybody. I like the emo one. He acts like young Snape.

So a lot of teenage drama goes down cause Chairy has to start at a new school and her creepy uncle keeps calling her to try and make her change her testimony in court or whatever and SPOILER ALERT remember that deeply mysterious VOICE that kept talking to her when she was kidnapped? THE OWNER OF THE TELEPATHIC VOICE IS CLOSER THAN ANYONE GUESSES except for anyone who read the first three chapters because let's face it, suspense is not the author's strong point.

FINAL VERDICT

It's not my usual genre obviously, I like things where people die by swords and wear clothes made out of metal and ride horses and shit like that. HOWEVER I did not hate this book, I found it to be thoroughly average. It earned a few bonus points for throwing in a young Snape, but the lack of any real plot twists annoyed me. Points earned for having multiple non-graphic rape/suicide references. Points lost for the cliché "twin brothers love interest" act.

And... that's about it. I promise there'll be more interesting shenanigans later this week.

If you're too lazy to read my expertly crafted review, here's a drawing I made summarizing the entire book.

Oh MS Paint, how I love you.

When I was like six my brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat and broke my nose and there was blood everywhere.

So a multitude of bad things happened today.

However if you read this blog it likely means you already know.

For the next few days until I figure out what to do I will post ridiculous stories (all true) in the hopes of not turning this into a twelve-year-old's LiveJournal.

Let's begin with the story summarized in the title.

So from the time I was 4 to 9 I lived in a really rural part of Georgia, my family had this farmhouse with a ton of land and a lake and woods and you couldn't even see our nearest neighbor except just barely in the winter when the leaves were gone. My brother and I were homeschooled so we really didn't have anybody to play with besides each other.

Anyway, so one day we were outside and I'm just wandering around in our gravel driveway and Nick is throwing bits of gravel up and hitting them with an aluminum bat. For some reason I end up walking behind him while he was swinging - in my defense I thought I was short enough that it would miss me, I was like a REALLY SHORT child - and all I really remember is feeling like a train hit me in the face.

So I had to have all this major surgery and wear a cast and everything while my nose healed up. However it wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds. The cast wasn't like what you see in bad movies or whatever where it's this Phantom of the Opera mask-thing that covers everything but your eyes, it was just this thing that was like the size of those nose strips you put on your face to keep you from snoring at night. And since I was only like SIX the bones bounced right back into place and kept growing the way they should so I don't have some weird crooked bird-face nose like Dumbledore or anything.

Oh Dumbledore.

Before I depress us all, here is a short comic that sums up my feelings for today in a cute and amusing way. Enjoy.

Source: butthorn.tumblr.com