Ever since I was seven I have maintained a healthy fear of wandering through an interdimensional portal.

Finals are over. Summer is upon us. Unfortunately that also means I have no more scholarship money – and with rent, a car, and a nasty addiction to McDonald’s coffee, this means I need a job.

Old people don’t get it. Back in their day, your town had like 20 people. And if you were on good terms with the carpenter, you had a job. Thus, they believe that you can indeed just “go out ‘n’ get a job” within a day, just put on your fedora and grab a briefcase and you’d be employed by dinnertime.

Unfortunately, what with background checks and an economy that resembles Boromir in the last few minutes of Fellowship of the Ring, getting a job of any kind is a hassle.

Fifteen-year-old girls now have to compete for a job at the ice cream parlor with a 35-year-old grown man with a beard. Entry-level job openings disappear faster than a Snickers bar at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Also unfortunately, my current skill set is rather… lacking.

In any case, I dusted off the mock resume I made in Communications class and went looking. As I scrolled through endless pages of “Nurse Wanted, Experience in Exotic Dancing Preferred” and “ihop busboy wanted lol call me” I gave up and decided to make a list of all the careers I would be willing to accept.

1. Lion Tamer.

Because who wouldn’t want to be a lion tamer.

2. Book critic

It involves my two favorite things – books and criticizing people.

3. Mattress tester.

note: this is not me

SO MUCH FUN EVERYWHERE

4. Professional rainbow chaser

I would hunt down rainbows and then live off of the stolen leprechaun gold. I don't do it for the money. I do it for the thrill of the chase. And also the money. Shiny things.

At this point in my list I started to get a craving for McDonald's coffee and wandered off, but I thought I should share this with you. I hope you liked it.