FIRST: "We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together"
Alternate Title: "I Got Drunk And Left You This Skype Message"
Analysis: This song genuinely sounds like something a clingy middle schooler would write. Say the lyrics with a slur and it sounds like something a clingy sorority girl would say after a night out on the town.
Example: Then... then you come around an' say *switches to comically deep voice* BAAABY I MISS YOU N I SWEARR I'M GONNA CHANGE. Remember... like how that lasted for A DAY, I say *high pitched squeal* I HATE YOU, we break up, you call meeee *deep voice* I LOOOVE YOU. You go talk to YOUR friends who, who talk to MY friends talk to ME, like, we are never ever ever ever, EVER EVER forever never not ever getting back together. *starts to cry* I was out in heels all night an' my feeeeet hurt. You gave like the best feet rubs. *dogs barking in the background* SHUT UP I'M TRYINA TAAAALK *throws shoe* *cries harder* YOU. And your... stupid INDIE record that's SO MUCH COOLER THAN MINE ohshitmybatterysabouttodie HEY I MISS YOU WE'RE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGE*static and muffled noise before voicemail cuts out*
My logic is flawless.
SECOND: "Love Story"
Alternate Title: "I Don't Understand How Shakespeare Works"
Analysis: Romeo and Juliet is not a happy story. It is a TRAGEDY. It is not the greatest romance ever. It was a three-day affair between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that ended in six deaths, one of whom was Mercutio WHO WAS BASICALLY THE DEAN WINCHESTER OF ELIZABETHAN LONDON. Where Romeo was a whiny, pathetic, smushy brat who couldn't stand up for ANYTHING, Mercutio was a wingman, a gentleman, a troublemaker, a scholar, and a swordsman. Juliet was a spoiled, disrespectful, childish attention whore. T-Squizzle glosses over these flaws in her glurge "song," including the fact that the story ends with mutual suicides and involves a crooked priest who performs faux-"marriages" for money.
EXAMPLE: "You'll be the prince and I'll be the princessssssss (false, neither the Montagues nor the Capulets were royalty) IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES (clearly he did, with behavior that I'm pretty sure is illegal in most states). ROMEO SAVE ME THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEEEEEEEEL (no, they're just trying to make you marry someone closer to your OWN AGE WHO HASN'T THREATENED TO KILL YOUR UNCLE) THIS LOVE IS DIFFICULT BUT IT'S REEEEEEEE-EEEEAL (you knew him for less than an hour and hadn't even seen his face when you stuck your tongue down his throat missy) DON'T BE AFRAID WE'LL MAKE IT OUTTA THIS (by faking your own death, breaking your parents' hearts, and sealing yourself in a tomb on the off chance that your little love pumpkin [who, by the way, is currently banished from the city for being involved in your cousin's murder] can show up in time to dig you out because this is clearly the most logical solution) IT'S A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YEEEEEEEEEEEEES
Read the book, you guys. Romeo never made a big deal of "knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring" or anything. It was more "...Wanna do it?" "Yeah but we go to hell if we're not married first." "Ok let's go do that, I know a guy."
 |
| Jeez Juliet seriously |
THIRD: "Teardrops on My Guitar"
Alternate Title: "I Keep Fur From Your Dead Cat And Take Pictures Of Your Elbows When You Aren't Looking"
Analysis: The first time I heard this song, I felt like I had to take a shower afterwards. Is this considered romantic? It sounded like an entry from a serial killer's diary. And then I go on LiveJournal and see all these little brats going "IT'S LIKE SHE WRITES SONGS ABOUT MY LYFE" and I lose all hope for humanity because obviously these girls aren't going to be able to handle all of this EMOTION and will soon snap and kill their entire families.
EXAMPLE: "Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe? (If this happens to you, see a doctor immediately.) So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light, I PUT HIS PICTURE DOWN AND MAYBE GET SOME SLEEP TONIGHT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SAYING I MEAN PEOPLE WHO DON'T SLEEP GO INSANE AND TRY TO CHEW THEIR OWN SKIN OFF FOR FUCK'S SAKE I AM SO DONE WITH EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS.
i can't even
what
i just
everyone go home
im done
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