When I was like six my brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat and broke my nose and there was blood everywhere.

So a multitude of bad things happened today.

However if you read this blog it likely means you already know.

For the next few days until I figure out what to do I will post ridiculous stories (all true) in the hopes of not turning this into a twelve-year-old's LiveJournal.

Let's begin with the story summarized in the title.

So from the time I was 4 to 9 I lived in a really rural part of Georgia, my family had this farmhouse with a ton of land and a lake and woods and you couldn't even see our nearest neighbor except just barely in the winter when the leaves were gone. My brother and I were homeschooled so we really didn't have anybody to play with besides each other.

Anyway, so one day we were outside and I'm just wandering around in our gravel driveway and Nick is throwing bits of gravel up and hitting them with an aluminum bat. For some reason I end up walking behind him while he was swinging - in my defense I thought I was short enough that it would miss me, I was like a REALLY SHORT child - and all I really remember is feeling like a train hit me in the face.

So I had to have all this major surgery and wear a cast and everything while my nose healed up. However it wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds. The cast wasn't like what you see in bad movies or whatever where it's this Phantom of the Opera mask-thing that covers everything but your eyes, it was just this thing that was like the size of those nose strips you put on your face to keep you from snoring at night. And since I was only like SIX the bones bounced right back into place and kept growing the way they should so I don't have some weird crooked bird-face nose like Dumbledore or anything.

Oh Dumbledore.

Before I depress us all, here is a short comic that sums up my feelings for today in a cute and amusing way. Enjoy.

Source: butthorn.tumblr.com

On my seventh birthday we had this huge ice storm that shut down all our power and my mom ended up making my cake in an EZ-Bake Oven. Best birthday ever.

Short post tonight because I'm tired and feeling uninspired after wasting my entire day looking at baby wallaby .gifs.

BRIEF THOUGHTS

- There should be a game called "Infomercial" in which you see someone performing some menial task and you shout "INFOMERCIAL!" The person must then fail at their task in a hilarious and melodramatic fashion, and then cry "There's got to be a better way!" Observe.
Me: *putting pencils in a mug*
You: INFOMERCIAL!
Me: *proceeds to fumble with one pencil and then dumps the entire mug onto the floor*
Both of us: THERE'S JUST GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY.
(I then proceed to make you clean up all the pencils because it is your fault after all.)

- I tried watching Fullmetal Alchemist the other day and I am severely unimpressed.

- Mother bought strawberries for a cake or something and seems to have forgotten that I am HIGHLY ADDICTED TO any kind of berry whatsoever. Seriously. Strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, cranberries, raspberries, lingonberries, I will eat any of them. I am exercising all of my self-control to not devour every single delicious berry. You should all be proud of me.

- I have a pink splotch on my shirt and I don't know where it came from and it looks like blood. Please send help.

- I desire a baby wallaby.

- I have a dog and his name is Jack and he is sleeping on my bed and TAKING UP ALL THE SPACE I MEAN HE'S A SCHNAUZER THEY'RE LIKE TWENTY POUNDS HOW IS HE DOING THIS

- I found a Popsicle in my freezer today and it had been there for so long it had practically fossilized into the wrapper. It was skinnier than my finger and there was LITERALLY NO JUICE in it at all. I felt so bad for it I couldn't even eat it. (Also it was like, disgusting.) So instead I sacrificed it to the Kitchen Gods. Fine, I dumped it in the sink. It was gross.

- I had a dream that a giant spider came out from under my couch and chased me around the house while I was screaming for help and my family was just like "lindsey calm down there is nothing chasing u lol, u so funny" and this HUGE ASS BLACK WIDOW SPIDER THE SIZE OF A COLLIE was bashing my door in until I hid in the bathroom and tried to spray it with the shower head. It was traumatic.

- SCIENCE. If you're too lazy to click on the link I'll go ahead and sum it up. *takes deep breath* So there was this frog that went extinct back in the 80s and it was a really cool frog where the mommy would eat her babies and they would actually grow up IN HER STOMACH and then she'd just puke them all up and send them to school and such and right before they went extinct some scientists froze a couple of them and RECENTLY they took some other eggs from this other species of frog that's kind of related and *pant pant pant pant* then they erased those eggs' DNA and put the extinct frog's DNA in it and THEY GREW EMBRYOS OF THIS EXTINCT SPECIES and yeah okay the embryos died later but THEY MADE THEM HAPPEN ANYWAYican'tbreatheohgodhelp

- Since I began writing this blog post I have eaten three strawberries. I AM POWERLESS AGAINST THEIR BERRY CHARMS.

- In the end I spent most of my weekend watching Netflix and looking at things on the Internet that I greatly desire but will never have enough money for.

NOW TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WEEKEND.

When I was like three I told everyone I was Scottish, I had an accent and everything, to this day my parents don't know how I figured out what Scottish meant.

So if you've seen me in the past couple of days you will know one major fact about my life: I am sick.

Now when I get sick, I don't get sick like normal people. I turn into a total baby and, what's worse, I don't even mean to. Now since I still live at home, like a good little 19-year-old unemployed college student, my mom is the first person to notice the warning signs, which include the following:

- I sleep, like, A LOT.

- I develop an obsession with apples. Seriously, I crave apple juice any time I'm sick. I have no idea why. I went through a 1/3 gallon jar of applesauce TODAY ALONE.

- The only music I will listen to is Bon Iver and/or Iron & Wine. I'm not quite sure why this is either.

- No matter what plague afflicts me, it will invariably manifest in a sore throat. I get sore throats like most people get dandruff: frequently, inconveniently, and often for no discernible reason.

Yesterday while running a fever of around 103, I got the bright idea to plug my symptoms into WebMD and these are my top five results:

- Ectopic pregnancy

- Throat cancer

- Meningitis (viral/bacterial)

- Tuberculosis

- A common cold

Now, a normal person would think, Oh, I bet I have a cold, and go about their business. BUT NOT ME. Instead, I spend the next four hours Googling meningitis symptoms, tilting my head back and forth, and panicking about how "stiff" my neck has to be before I have to go to the hospital and probably die there.

Don't get me wrong; being sick has some perks. For instance, as this sudden affliction came upon me LITERALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING BREAK and I had nothing better to do while laying in misery on my couch, I realized that I suddenly had a golden opportunity. THE OPPORTUNITY OF NETFLIX.

I ran through the lists of TV shows and/or movies that all my friends keep begging me to watch, and decided upon Avatar: The Last Airbender, because I'm a friggin' adult people and I can watch a kid show if I want.

Or anyway, that was my ORIGINAL thinking. Then I actually started watching and my life will never be the same.

Here, a week later, I'm looking up Appa stuffed animals on Amazon.com and covering my sparse Pinterest boards with every single Avatar-themed thing I can find. If you don't know me all that well, I'll let you in on a secret: I obsess over things. When Ryan made me start watching Supernatural, I watched about four seasons in a day and then ended up sucking my brother into it as well and now we're one big demon-hunting-brothers-obsessed team. When I found Firefly on Netflix I didn't leave the house for a solid month. (Only a week of that was spent actually watching the show, the remaining weeks were spent weeping and praying to all Norse, Hindu, and pagan gods that Joss Whedon would continue the series.)

Anyway, so I was halfway done with Season 3 of Avatar when I decided to scroll ahead and see how many seasons were left when suddenly WHAT THE SHITTING HELL THERE'S ONLY THREE SEASONS WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME.

So here I am, sobbing on my couch like a child because THERE ARE ONLY LIKE FIVE EPISODES LEFT EVER and what am I supposed to do after it's over. Have you ever had a book hangover? Where you finish a really good book/series and suddenly you have trouble readjusting to reality? I get those bad. After finishing Harry Potter I just sat in silence in my room for like two months just staring at the walls and whimpering. My parents would say something like "Do your homework, you're seventeen years old for fuck's sake" and I would just reply with "YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK ANYMORE, FRED WEASLEY BECAUSE HE'S DEAD" and then results would usually split between A) dissolving into tears, or B) veering off into a monologue on why I'm convinced that Sirius and Remus used to be More Than Friends back in the day

Anyway. My point is, I still haven't even started the final episode of Avatar even though I've been there for like two days now because I'm worried about what THIS hangover is going to be like. I have been assured by my Legend Of Korra-watching pals that the ending is perfectly A-OK, but part of me is still suspicious that they're lying and I'll have another Mockingjay moment where I wonder if I'm suddenly hallucinating and maybe this is all some horrifying dream because WHY DO ALL THE GOOD CHARACTERS DIEsorry sorry I'm staying on track.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU PRINCE ZUKO.

So that's where I am in life at the moment. Running a 101 degree fever, mostly unable to talk, and completely and utterly out of damn apple juice. Frick.