Mom-isms (Alternatively: "Shit My Mom Says.")

So I have this mom, right.

I couldn't think of a decent idea for a blog post so I just went through mine and my brother's Twitter feeds and collected all the stuff we'd quoted her on, and I'm just gonna share them with you. Here is the wisdom of Shannon L. Hames VI, esq.

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"So the government and I were talking, and we both kind of came to this agreement that you should get a job."

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"Some people can't go anywhere without dragging their damn Christmas spirit along with them."

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"Stop chewing on the bottle and go throw it away. I MEAN PUT IT IN THE RECYCLE BIN LIKE AN
ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE PERSON."

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-playing Scrabble online in the other room-
"OH COME ON. How come 'poot' isn't a word?!"

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Her: "See, most church moms name their kids after Bible characters or saints or shit like that. I named mine after rock stars who should've been dead ten years ago and are somehow still alive."
Me: "Cool! Who was I named after?"
Her: "Oh, your dad named you."

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-in response to the Muppets dropping their partnership with Chick-Fil-A over marriage controversy-
"See now that's what I'm saying. When THE MUPPETS hate you, you're an asshole."

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"Go bring me some Taco Bell."
"Mom! What if I get kidnapped and raped on my way back?"
"Don't be ridiculous, it's Sunday, nobody rapes on Sunday."

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"Whenever I finish a pack of gum, it feels like a chapter of my life has ended."
"That's weird."
"Yeah."

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"Go get the Elton John out of the kitchen."
"...what?"
"I MEAN THE BEANBAG."

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"Justin Bieber would make the hottest lesbian I've ever seen."

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Me: "What are we doing for dinner?"
Her: "Chops."
Me: "...What kind of chops?"
Her: "Who cares? Lamb chops, pork chops, mutton chops, they're all the same thing."

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"We should send cookies. Anonymously."
"Lindsey, who is going to eat anonymous cookies?"
"WELL I WOULD."

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so yeah thats mom
- Lindsey