When I was little I used to tell everyone I wanted to marry a horse.

Trying something new. Instead of genuine titles, I shall replace them with amusing childhood stories.

NOW TO BUSINESS AND SUCH

So I read a book today. Actually I finished one that I've been reading for a long time, even though it's only like 300-something pages. It is called "The Gifted" by Anna Kathryn Davis and it is terrifically bad. Let me tell you why.

Just to warn you, there will be SPOILERS, because I'm pretty sure the only people who read this blog are my mom and the gnat that lives in my room whom I have named Tony. He reads over my shoulder.

The basic plot and most of the story world is fairly well-crafted. Basically, humanity is being taken over by these bug things from another dimension. There's a fancy Greek word for them that I can't remember, so let's call them Un-Dragons.

Then there's this... girl.

Okay so have you ever read a book and just thrown it down in anger because the characters had no flaws and were absolutely perfect in every conceivable way? *coughTWILIGHTcough*

Well... this girl is about eleventy-twelve times worse.

Her name is Rose and she has a superpower. Her superpower is PRETTY. She's the prettiest damn prettyfier that ever prettied a pretty. She can't walk around in public because her PRETTY FUCKING FACE causes riots everywhere she goes, so instead, she lives all by herself in the woods.

Oh right and she has this giant-ass tiger as a PET because she was bored in a zoo and decided she wanted a tiger, and keeping wild animals as pets is a GREAT message to be sending.

So anyway this boy shows up and man is he WEIRD, first of all he doesn't go apeshit over how stinkin' pretty she is so he must be like a total tool. Long story short he tells Pretty McSexyface Rose that she's magical and OMG so is he, and they're mean to stop the infestation by the Un-Dragons.

Rose, being the tough little scrapper that she is and ALSO without putting a single silky flawless hair out of place, fights this new guy. (His name is Parker but I call him Captain Thunder.) SHOCKINGLY, Rose wins, even though she has absolutely no training whatsoever and she just kind of "taught herself." Who the fuck wins their first fight like that? Has she been fighting her pet tiger? Whatever.

So long story short Rose meets these three other magic kids (they're called The Gifted in case you wanted to know why the title was the title), this one girl is super mean to her but Rose just laughs at her because she's just such a NICE PERSON and FORGIVING and PRETTY and not a total asshat at all.

Longer story short... the super mean girl is really nice on the inside, but someone just had to break through her tough shell to get the squishy sweetness inside.

Man I miss Twinkies.

Anyway, the Un-Dragons are almost done taking over the world, and they cotton on to these magic kids and one of the bugs (inside a human host, cause they can do that through a process that is actually quite cool) ends up killing the pet tiger. Noooooooooooo.

Then there's this secret cult of people living underground in the desert who knew about these Gifted kids through... like a prophecy? Or the zodiac, I think, cause everyone keeps calling Rose a "Cancer" and I doubt it's because of her slow, methodical process of ruining my respect for this book. This cult basically knows everything there is to know about the Un-Dragons and even has this one guy who has an Un-Dragon INSIDE HIS MIND but it doesn't take control of him because, um, he concentrates really well.

I should probably mention that Rose and Captain Thunder are slowly (not slowly at all, it kind of happened in the space of four pages) falling in love because their zodiac signs correspond super well or something. Sorry. There's a reason why I don't read romance novels.

So through this cult, Rosey and Friends discover that the reason they all have superpowers is because they all have Un-Dragon BLOOD in them, HOLY CRAP THEY'RE BARELY EVEN HUMAN AUGH etc. etc., and BIG SHOCK Rose is the one with the most Un-Dragon DNA and THAT'S why she's so much more powerful than like EVERYONE in the universe. Also she is special and pretty and tough and has next to no personality whatsoever.

So the cult is like "hey y'all we're gonna stage an attack at this major Un-Dragon headquarters which also happens to be a swanky hotel and coincidentally they're having a ball on the night of the attack and we need someone on the inside" and HOLY CRAP AGAIN they pick Rose, who has to suffer through sitting in a VIP suite for days and yet somehow manages to hold herself together enough to get in a DRESS for this ball tomorrow. Damn that girl is a trooper. She inspires us all.

Anyway, the night of the ball comes around and the cult people attack the Un-Dragons, and it all ends quite abruptly and I think Rose died but I'm not really sure. At first I thought, well, maybe my copy was a misprint and they forgot to put in an extra two chapters or something, but then I saw the acknowledgments and it was all like "what" and then I might have thrown the book on the floor or something.

Now let me say first that I didn't NOT enjoy this book. I just sorely wished I could read it from the perspective of anyone but Rose. The premise was good and there were all these little details about the Un-Dragons like how they can rip their way out of human hosts and emerge as GIANT ARSE BUGS and such, and how two Un-Dragons in human bodies could conceivably... um... "knock boots" and make a weird mutant baby that is fully Un-Dragon and fully human. (There was a super long Greek name for that too, but I'm out of creative substitutes so it's just gonna be "weird mutant baby.")

All said and done, Miss Davis, replace your main character with someone a LITTLE BIT less intolerable and get back to us. Use Bella Swan. Nurse Ratchet. Charlize Theron. ANYBODY.

And yes, I did use to tell everyone I was marrying a horse. I WAS SIX YEARS OLD OKAY.

Mom-isms (Alternatively: "Shit My Mom Says.")

So I have this mom, right.

I couldn't think of a decent idea for a blog post so I just went through mine and my brother's Twitter feeds and collected all the stuff we'd quoted her on, and I'm just gonna share them with you. Here is the wisdom of Shannon L. Hames VI, esq.

~

"So the government and I were talking, and we both kind of came to this agreement that you should get a job."

~

"Some people can't go anywhere without dragging their damn Christmas spirit along with them."

~

"Stop chewing on the bottle and go throw it away. I MEAN PUT IT IN THE RECYCLE BIN LIKE AN
ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE PERSON."

~

-playing Scrabble online in the other room-
"OH COME ON. How come 'poot' isn't a word?!"

~

Her: "See, most church moms name their kids after Bible characters or saints or shit like that. I named mine after rock stars who should've been dead ten years ago and are somehow still alive."
Me: "Cool! Who was I named after?"
Her: "Oh, your dad named you."

~

-in response to the Muppets dropping their partnership with Chick-Fil-A over marriage controversy-
"See now that's what I'm saying. When THE MUPPETS hate you, you're an asshole."

~

"Go bring me some Taco Bell."
"Mom! What if I get kidnapped and raped on my way back?"
"Don't be ridiculous, it's Sunday, nobody rapes on Sunday."

~

"Whenever I finish a pack of gum, it feels like a chapter of my life has ended."
"That's weird."
"Yeah."

~

"Go get the Elton John out of the kitchen."
"...what?"
"I MEAN THE BEANBAG."

~

"Justin Bieber would make the hottest lesbian I've ever seen."

~

Me: "What are we doing for dinner?"
Her: "Chops."
Me: "...What kind of chops?"
Her: "Who cares? Lamb chops, pork chops, mutton chops, they're all the same thing."

~

"We should send cookies. Anonymously."
"Lindsey, who is going to eat anonymous cookies?"
"WELL I WOULD."

~


so yeah thats mom
- Lindsey

Why I Hate Kindles (And Other Assorted Reading Devices).

As you probably guessed from the title, I don't like Kindles. I do not like Nooks, eReaders, or ebooks. Why? I mean, they're cool inventions. You can take them anywhere, almost like a book! Except of course a print copy of, say, The Hunger Games is much, much less likely to get stolen on a subway than an iPad. Oh, and reading in the bathtub? Thanks to that Kindle, no more wet pages! Instead, your finger slips and suddenly your $70 chunk of emotionless plastic quite literally just went down the drain.

"But an ebook is so much cheaper!" you say. True, that's all very well and good. But see, there's these things called LIBRARIES that will let you read books FOR FREE HOLY SHIT DID YOU EVER HEAR OF SUCH A THING. On another note, authors are just one more type of starving artist. They put in a lot of energy and effort into writing (I would know), and all too often they just get overlooked. By purchasing an actual book at full price straight from the publisher, you know that money's going to the creator. It's the same principle of illegally downloading music vs. buying it. Sure, you can take the cheap route, but it isn't benefiting anyone.

Here is a picture of a baby dragon because I felt guilty for ranting.

(source: i google imaged baby dragons)

So... This Is Blogging, Huh

My name is Lindsey.

So I'm starting a blog.

I probably shouldn't.

I mean, who cares about one more misanthropic teenage girl blogging about nothing in particular?

BUT WAIT

I shall make you a pledge, O people of the Blogosphere.

I PLEDGE to not shamelessly plug my fledgling photography business (I don't even have one. I don't even like taking pictures of anything).

I PLEDGE that I will never Instagram my food and make that my daily post.

I PLEDGE that I will post only minimal pictures of my pet, because he is friggin' adorable, that's why.

I PLEDGE not to drag my personal life into the blog unless it makes a funny story or there is photographic evidence.

I PLEDGE not to gush about my boyfriend (or girlfriend if I find myself in an experimental college phase).

I PLEDGE that I will never link you to a Taylor Swift song because "dis iz how i feelz @ dis momentt!!1!!" If anything I will link you to that one Opeth song I can't stop listening to in hopes that the I-Will-Get-Every-Song-You-Hear-Stuck-In-Your-Head demon will be exorcised from my brain along with it.

I PLEDGE that I will not shamelessly plug anything unless it's super funny, something I desperately want my parents to buy me, or the people I'm plugging are giving me tons of free shit to do so.

I PLEDGE that I will not drag my religion into anything. (But seriously. CONVERT TO THE HOLY CHURCH OF PEETA MELLARK.)

I PLEDGE that, while I may babble on endlessly about such a fandom as Doctor Who, Harry Potter, or Supernatural, I will also take care to not spoil anything to anyone who does not wish such things to be spoiled. EVEN IF I DID LOVE HAGRID AND HIS DEATH IN BOOK SIX WAS TRAGICALLY UNCALLED FOR AND WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE PERCY WEASLEY WHO SHOT HIM?! Ahem.

I PLEDGE that I will always run Spellcheck, even though I am a communications major and therefore feel like a professional biker who is forced to use training wheels.

I PLEDGE that I will most adoringly love and pet and reply to any and all comments that I see.

I PLEDGE to have the vocabulary of your average crab fisherman, so that my parents and preacher will be deterred from following me.

I CANNOT PLEDGE that anything I blog about is going to be interesting or relevant or even coherent. This is mostly just a place where I can rant into empty space without fear of judgment. Because seriously, this is the Internet - we're the least judgy people in the world. If you want to "like" One Direction's fan page, well, I'm sure you can hook up with some people who feel the same way. As long as you don't like Nickelback or the Phantom Menace, the Internet will accept you. (Psssst! Hey! Don't tell anybody but I really never understood why everyone hated the Phantom Menace. Baby Anakin was adorable.)

I PLEDGE that I will try my darndest to blog as much as possible. I'm an unemployed college student with far too much time on her hands, so this'll probably be easy, but I'm pledging it anyway. It needs to be pledged. Not the lemon kind. That's my dresser. My dresser needs to be lemon Pledged. We need more lemon Pledge.

I PLEDGE that there will not always be strange obscure references like "We need more lemon Pledge" in all my posts. Frequently yes, but not always.

I PLEDGE that I will not go on and on about my school. Yes I'm in college and yes it's a big deal to me but it's not a big deal to you so you guys don't care so I'll shut up about it. Unless something TOTALLY BITCHIN' happens, like someone gets shot in the parking deck. AGAIN.

That's pretty much it. See ya tomorrow.

Blessings of the Church of Peeta upon you. May your bread never burn.